Never Odd or Even

  ‘There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.’

  ’

  Sherlock Holmes, in The Boscombe Valley Mystery

  This book is a work of fiction. The characters, places, incidents, and dialogue are the product of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real, or if real, are used fictitiously. Unless otherwise intended, any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, either living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2018 by John Townsend

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or repro- duced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  For more information, to inquire about rights to this or other works, or to purchase copies for special educational, business, or sales promotional uses, please write to:

  Incorgnito Publishing Press

  A division of Market Management Group, LLC 300 E. Bellevue Drive, Suite 208

  Pasadena, California 91101

  FIRST EDITION

  Printed in the United States of America

  Originally Published by Ransom Publishing Ltd.

  Unit 7, Brocklands Farm, West Meon, Hampshire GU32 1JN, UK www.ransom.co.uk

  First published in 2013 Reprinted 2015

  ISBN: 978-1-944589-31-8

  John Townsend

  Eliot’s blog

  FRIDAY

  Can you keep a secret? I’ve never revealed the hidden truth before, but now I’m about to tell someone. You.

  First of all, here’s a clue about who I am – I’m at that special age: 12.

  12 is one of my favourite numbers in the whole universe. In fact, it’s my perfect number. 12 isn’t just the sum of 10 (the base of our whole amazing number system) and 2 (the only even prime number in the cosmos) but it’s the first number with 1, 2, 3 and 4 as factors. I reckon that’s so cool.

  But it’s not just numbers that are magic. Letters are my thing, too. People think I’m weird because I spend a lot of my time watching Countdown, playing Scrabble or doing Sudoku. They say that’s really odd when you’re 12. But I don’t care. I always say I’m never odd or even.

  You’ll soon find out what I mean.

  I don’t know when it started. Probably as soon as I could talk. It’s something inside my brain and that’s all there is to it. If you don’t like it, you just have to leave me alone.

  That’s what Mr. Adam says. He reckons I’m a puzzle – which is cool because puzzles are my best thing of all. He said to me, ‘Eliot, how can you solve a Rubik’s Cube in seconds but never work out how to listen properly? You are an enigma!’

  I, ENIGMA? IMAGINE!

  I love anagrams like that. Anyway, I told Mr. Adam I don’t need to listen all the time because I just seem to know lots of stuff. He’s my form teacher, but he didn’t understand because I spoke backwards.

  That’s something else I do. The thing is, if I weren’t good at puzzles, the police would never have solved the crime. I actually sorted it out for them. Mr. Adam said it showed that my odd brain shouldn’t be seen as a problem but a POUR IN POTTY . (That’s an anagram for OPPORTUNITY .)

  He said I should write down what happened in a blog, to see if anyone else can solve the crime before I reveal a few hidden secrets. See if you can spot the clues and solve the biggest mystery that struck our school in the history of the world.

  I’m going to tell you exactly what happened on the day a BURGLAR STRUCK (GRUB CART LURKS ).

  You see, I just can’t help doing anagrams. That annoys a lot of people. Maybe I’m annoying you with my word puzzles – but I’ll try hard not to upset you too much. I PROMISE . (IRIS POEM – oops, sorry.)

  Before I tell you all about how I solved a crime for the police, I’m going to give you a puzzle to solve. It was Mr. Adam who got me started. He once said to our class, ‘MADAM I’M ADAM’ and I knew what he meant straight away.

  So in a few seconds I replied with ‘WAS IT ELIOT’S TOILET I SAW?’. How cool is that? That’s the puzzle for you to solve. Get it?

  Mr. Adam had to explain to everyone else what palindromes are (which I immediately

  made into PROMISE LAND , RANDOM SPIEL or ROMP IN DALES ).

  I just love words and numbers that are the same backwards or forwards. That’s why I’ve called my blog NEVER ODD OR EVEN. (Or if you prefer anagrams: REDDEN OVER OVEN , DODO NEVER NEVER , OVER

  END OVER END .) Sometimes I even talk in anagrams just for fun.

  So now you know my special hobby, here’s my secret fact sheet. I call it Eliot’s stuff.

  I like to think a lot. After all, there’s lots to think about when you’re 12.

  Each night before I go to sleep, I work out sums in my head and try to answer some big questions. Before I get on to my story, I’ll give you my latest five big questions. I don’t have all the answers yet.

  What colour is Friday?

  In how many ways could you be friends with your enemy?

  What if the number 12 had never been invented?

  What’s the biggest number in the universe – if I add on 12?

  Do geese see God? (This one is extra cool – but can you see why?)

  SATURDAY

  It happened last Friday – the perfect day for a crime. It was the 12th of June, which made it even more perfect. It was my duty day in the library. I’m a library prefect. In fact, I help in the library every lunchtime – for three special reasons:

  Mrs. Eve is the librarian and she’s got a big biscuit tin that she calls her Chamber of Secrets. I have been entrusted as its ANOINTED GUARDIAN . Or A DEAD NUN A-RIOTING .

  Libraries are safe and full of amazing words.

  Libraries use the Dewey Decimal System to keep everything in order. PERFECT for a PREFECT !

  I like the 510 section in the library best, which is math and numbers. But I’ve also read a lot of HE’LL MOCK HORSES . Can you guess that anagram? Those books are on the fiction shelves (CL–CU) and they’re great for people who like solving crime puzzles.

  Do you know what I’m going on about? I’ll tell you – SHERLOCK HOLMES . I really like detective stories, especially those written by Arthur Conan Doyle. Mrs. Eve says I would make a good Sherlock Holmes because I’m always solving things. I like Mrs. Eve for three special reasons:

  Her name is a palindrome.

  She is a perfect match for Mr. Adam

  She lets me use her computer and sort out her software. I love computers.

  Mrs. Eve says I make her laugh a lot, which is weird because I don’t really know any jokes. I don’t even like jokes. She also said that my head must be a computer, which is also a bit weird because my head never needs to be plugged into the wall.

  But even though Mrs. Eve says odd things sometimes, I like it in the library. She says I keep it running like clockwork. I think she means that (the clockwork thing) because I’m 12 – so I’m the top library prefect, like the 12 at the top of a clock. Otherwise I don’t see that a library is anything like a clock. Although I think some old libraries are round, like one I saw in a book on Oxford on the 941 shelf.

  I told Mrs. Eve that being a librarian is an ideal job for me. That’s because an anagram of LIBRARIAN is BRAIN LAIR , which is exactly what a library is – a refuge and a place of hiding for my mind. Perfect. She just smiled.

  I like Fridays. It’s when I’m in charge of the library all lunchtime and I get to eat my sandwiches in Mrs. Eve’s office, next to her biscuit tin. I also like Fridays because:

  I have Math, English, Science and History on the same day – my best subjects.

  I don’t have yuck Citizens
hip, Drama, PE or Art.

  We finish the afternoon with longer form time with Mr. Adam, who gives me puzzles.

  The reason why Friday was the best day for a burglary was because that’s when the school office is left empty for twenty-five minutes. It’s a window of opportunity for any thief.

  Those twenty-five minutes are when Mrs. Harris (she’s a sort of money manager who wears pink cardigans, has a squeaky voice and giggles a lot) always attends the finance meeting with the headteacher and a couple of men in suits.

  Her office is always left empty from 11.10 to 11.35 every Friday. I found this out on the day I got hit by a ball on the field at morning break and I had to sit in her office with a bag of frozen peas on my head. I heard Mrs. Harris saying (mainly squeaking) lots of things that day. I also saw where the school safe is hidden.

  There’s a big splodgy painting on the wall behind Mrs. Harris’s desk that opens like a little door because it’s fixed to the wall on hinges. Built into the wall behind it is a metal safe with an unusual lock.

  Mrs. Harris keeps the key in her handbag, but I think there must be a spare one somewhere, in case she’s away.

  Well, I got a peep inside that safe from the floor, when I had to lie down with the frozen peas. There was a lot of money in bundles, a cash box, a bag of £ 2 coins and a few silver cups and trophies.

  Mrs. Harris didn’t see me peeping through my fingers. I saw her lock the safe door, put the painting back and drop the key in her purse inside her handbag. (I was disappointed it wasn’t a combination lock using numbers. That would have been awesome.)

  The phone rang and Mrs. Harris giggled into it with a squeak:

  ‘I’m just coming, Derek. Just attending to the walking wounded – although Eliot’s not so much walking as lying on the floor with his feet up on a chair to get the colour back to his cheeks, bless him.’

  She giggled again and said to me with a very loud voice (I think she thought I

  couldn’t hear very well if I had a bag of peas on my head), ‘I’ll be back in a minute, poppet. I’ve just got to go to the finance meeting. Just call Miss Milligan in the next office if you need anything.’

  Then off she went, and I was left lying there... staring at the splodgy picture behind her desk and knowing that I must be one of the only pupils in the school who knew what was hidden behind it.

  Before I tell you about something terrible and all about the BIG KERFUFFLE ( ELF BIKER GUFF ) that started the mystery, you might like to know about one of my special laws. I call them ELIOT’S NUMBERS CRUNCH LAWS.

  I’ll put it in a box in case you want to skip over it and miss it out. Mr. Adam says I must try to think about other people who don’t like numbers, because if I keep going on about them I might be boring.

  So the next bit in the box (ELIOT’S NUMBERS CRUNCH LAWS: LAW 1) is for people who like numbers and who want to think inside the box. Mr. Adam says I’m always thinking outside the box – but I don’t really understand what that means.

  If you like numbers, can you answer this question: What numbers are never odd or even?* There’s an obvious answer. I’ve put it at the bottom of this page, upside-down.

  Now, are you ready to look inside the box?

  I simply adore experimenting with numbers and finding different laws. I’ve worked out lots so far and I store them all on my memory stick, which I keep with me at all times. I think I’ll put them in a book when I’m 24. That’s my next favourite number – at least, it was (you’ll see why soon).

  My biggest fear is of being robbed. If someone stole my memory stick with all my number laws on it, I would go mad – even though I remember every detail in my brain. It would feel as if my insides had been squeezed out and trampled on by stampeding elephants. (That’s called figurative language, but I don’t use it much because I prefer more accurate stuff like precise numbers and real

  facts.)

  Between you and me, I know exactly who’d steal my memory stick and much more, too. I’m going to tell you now about the WORST ENEMY (TEENSY WORM ) I’ve ever known. He’s nothing less than vile – LIVE EVIL. He’s enough to give you NIGHTMARES (SMEAR THING ).

  Tomorrow I will tell you the fearsome facts.

  SUNDAY

  The first time I came across VICTOR CRIDDLE (TORRID DEVIL CC ) was on

  the school bus on my first day at secondary school.

  The CC of his anagram stands for Child Catcher, because that’s just what he’s like. He doesn’t just look scary, but he traps younger kids and bullies them in all kinds of nasty ways, like offering them sweets before he thumps them.

  Within days of bumping into him, I became Number 1 on his list of victims. He’s two years older than me and much bigger. Here are some facts about my worst enemy in the world – the horrible, vile, repulsive Victor Criddle:

  He lives in the next street to me. They call the Criddles ‘The family from hell’.

  He’s had more fights than I’ve had Mrs. Eve’s biscuits – and that’s loads.

  He’s been suspended from school more than anyone else – apart from his sister.

  He’s banned from the supermarket down the road because he weed over the mushrooms. So I called him Victor Widdle (which I consider a good play on words). But he kicked me.

  He stuck drawing pins in Miss Milligan’s bike tires (as well as up through her saddle), which I would think is a criminal offense, as well as being a bit painful.

  So there I was, doing no harm to anyone on the school bus, when Victor Criddle came and sat next to me.

  ‘Do yer want a sweet?’ he said.

  Even though he looked scary and just like the Child Catcher, I thought he was being friendly, so I said, ‘Thanks very much,’ and I took a Celebrations from the bag.

  I unwrapped the mini Mars and took a bite. Yuck. It tasted dreadful and he was squawking and squealing – which is his way of laughing. My mouth was burning and I thought I was going to be sick.

  He said he’d soaked the sweets in some kind of chilli oil, and he thought it was really funny. I told him what I thought of him and he thumped me in the mouth.

  He said, ‘No one argues with Victor Criddle. Victor by name, victor by nature.’

  Then he got me in an arm lock until I couldn’t breathe. Everyone else on the bus

  thought it was funny, but I felt like I was dying.

  From then on Victor Criddle hasn’t left me alone. He calls me ‘Weirdo’ and shouts it at me across the street, across the bus park or even in the library. He’s made my life a misery.

  Mr. Adam said I should keep out of Victor Criddle’s way and try to ignore him. I don’t think that deals with the problem. I’m not really bothered about being called names – it’s the other stuff that gets to me.

  Before I tell you about the worst thing he did, I must mention Hannah. She’s a Year 11 library prefect who understood everything about all that happened. I don’t talk to girls much, but Hannah’s different and she seems quite clever.

  I like Hannah for three reasons:

  HANNAH is a great palindrome, but her second name is so nearly one as well. Her full name is Hannah Widdows. (If it was WODDOW she would be perfect and I would have to marry her).

  Hannah reads all the time and she must have read half the books in the library. She knows lots of stuff and she uses incredible words. I’m teaching her to talk backwards. She always puts WRM or BTW in her texts – short for ‘Which Reminds Me’ and ‘By The Way’. It’s her special thing.

  Hannah and I often eat our sandwiches together in the library office. She’s got this thing where she has to eat her food in alphabetical order, which I think is so cool. I’d love to see her eat alphabet soup. She laughs at the way I guard the library biscuit tin and she calls me Cerberus guarding the Underworld of Jammy Dodgers (whatever that means).

  I can’t wait till I’m in Year 11 (10th grade), like Hannah. She tells me some of the stuff she’s done in Math and Physics. It so
unds awesome.

  The other great thing about being in Year 11 is the number. Probably 11 is my third- favourite number. ELIOT’S NUMBERS CRUNCH LAWS: LAW 2 on the next page says why.

  When I’m in Year 11 I’ll be sad in some ways, because Hannah will be at university and I won’t have anyone to eat my sandwiches with in alphabetical order. But I’ll be so happy, too. That’s because Victor Criddle won’t be at school anymore.

  I expect he’ll be in prison.

  MONDAY

  Mrs. Eve told me once that she dreaded every Friday 13th. Lots of people get a bit wobbly about that day and date for some reason.

  If you want to know the word for the fear of Friday 13th, it’s Paraskevidekatriaphobia (which I think is the coolest word on the planet and could score you 44 at Scrabble even before any double letter scores).

  44 is an epic Eliot number and features in Law 2. Mr. Adam is 44, which is old but awesome.

  Friday 13th never used to bother me, until the worst thing happened to me on that date. It was the day Victor Criddle struck like never before. It was the day that changed everything and triggered a chain of criminal events.

  I will never forget it.

  It was lunchtime and Mrs. Eve had popped out of the library, so I was in charge. Friday is Year 11’s library day, and all was fine till Victor Criddle barged in swearing and shouting at me:

  ‘Oi, Weirdo, I want a book.’

  I tried to tell him that, being Year 9, his library day was on Wednesdays, but however much I told him, he just wouldn’t listen. He just got louder and swore twenty-six times.